The Advent of Change

Dear Ones, 

This Christmas season is leaving me feeling conflicted and vaguely anxious. It is the second Christmas without my husband; another poignant reminder of our loss. Then there is the added complexity of living through Covid restrictions. The city of Toronto is currently in lockdown and the province is saying to only celebrate with your household and it leaves me wondering how does one celebrate the season this year? What risks are we willing to take or not take? The question of how to celebrate with my family, who live two hours away, is weighing on me. Do I jump through hoops to make something, anything, happen or just accept that it won't happen this year and try to do something over a video call? By the way, could someone please teach my 80 year old mother how to do that? Ah, there it is, that feeling of guilt. 

Most of the meaning I derive from Christmas is found in gathering with other people. It's a time of conviviality, coziness, and connectedness. It is a time to share meals and drinks. To toast one another. It is a time to listen and to sing along to music that speaks of the deeply seated hope we have in humanity. It is a time to be verklempt and to watch It's a Wonderful Life. Okay, okay, I'm still gonna be verklempt and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

One benefit of Covid, if I can put it that way, is that I have an opportunity to lean into the simplicity being enforced on us. While I will miss trimming a 20' tree with the extended family (for example), I will not miss being a single parent trying to wrangle three children to get out the door and drive hither and yon. Granted, there really is only so much simplification one can manage when one lives in a house with three kids expecting Santa to arrive on the 25th. I will do my best to elevate the days from the everyday but also strive to find a balance that allows me to actually take the time to be cozy and warm with my kids. As an adult, Christmas goes by so fast but I want to try to tap into that time expanding magic that my kids live in. 

Tensile Strength

This is a year that pulls

at boundaries that lie within

The old rules, pliable,

stretching in all directions

Meaning teased out of pixels

and a stammering connection

Housebound and cleaved 

from dead assumptions

A deep breath in and 

leaning into every bend

PS: Here's a song for you